Update: Ur Doing It Wrong

So... It looks like I've been crocheting wrong the whole time. I bought some thinner, baby pink yarn on sale and the corresponding hook and was able to actually make a square instead of a weird triangle-circle thingy. After watching the tutorial video again, I realized I had been doing the wrong stitch. 

Here's the right one: 

Much better!

I'm going to keep practicing squares until I can read a pattern and do all the stitches required. Like wtf is a slip stitch? I'm going to have to Google that one. I've joined a couple of crochet communities and am getting lots of help. Who knew Crocheting for Dummies would be so helpful?!